The Loneliness of the Leader
This deeply personal reflection bridges the author's past writings on family trauma with his current role as a Country Manager. It explores the "Loneliness of the Leader", the inevitable isolation that occurs when you become the final decision-maker. Instead of offering "5 Tips for Management," it offers a meditation on the emotional labor of holding space for others. It concludes that the antidote to this loneliness isn't becoming harder or more distant (like a "Boss"), but embracing vulnerability and finding purpose in the growth of the team, rather than personal accolades.
In my last post, Recognitions, I wrote about the child inside us who constantly craves approval - from parents, from teachers, from the world. I admitted that despite my title and my career, I still look for that nod of validation.
But there is a paradox in growing up to become a "Country Manager" or a "Lead." Suddenly, the dynamic flips. You are no longer the one waiting for the applause; you are the one expected to give it.
The Empty Room There is a specific kind of silence that comes with leadership. When you are a developer, you have peers to complain to about the code or the client. You are part of the "Molecule." But as you climb the ladder, the air gets thinner. When things go wrong, when a client escalates an issue, or a tough hiring decision must be made, you can’t vent down to your team. That would be unprofessional. You often can’t vent up, because you want to show competence. So, you sit in the silence. That is the loneliness of the leader.
The "Boss" Mask I realized recently that this loneliness is why "Bosses" exist. In my post Faith, Leadership and what not, I described Bosses as arrogant, micromanagers who hide their incompetence. I now think that sometimes, they are just scared. They put on a mask of "I know everything" because they are terrified that if they show a crack, they will lose respect. They distance themselves to avoid the pain of empathy.
The Courage to be Human True leadership is not about being bulletproof. It is about being scared and showing up anyway. It is waking up, remembering the father who didn't express his expectations, and realizing that I have to be the one to articulate the vision for my team. It is realizing that my team doesn't need a perfect statue; they need a human being who admits, "I don't know the answer yet, but we will figure it out together."
The New Recognition I still have that hole in my heart that seeks validation. But I am learning that in leadership, you don't get validation from being praised. You get it from seeing your team grow. When someone I hired years ago surpasses me in skill, or leads their own initiative—that is the new applause. It is a quieter satisfaction, but perhaps, it is the one that matters most.
- The Validation Shift: Moving from a "Maker" to a "Manager" requires a painful psychological shift: you must stop seeking external validation and start generating it for others. You become the battery, not the device.
- The Origin of "Bosses": A compassionate look at bad managers. The author suggests that the toxic "Boss" behavior (arrogance, distance) is often just a defense mechanism against the isolation and fear that comes with high-stakes responsibility.
- The Silenced peer group: Acknowledging the structural isolation of leadership. You cannot vent "down" to your team without damaging morale, and you fear venting "up" to stakeholders. Learning to sit with this silence is a core skill of executive growth.
- Growth as the new Reward: Redefining "Success." If you wait for a "Good Job" sticker, you will burn out. The sustainable fuel for a leader is witnessing the autonomy and success of the people they mentor.
